Clueless

Success is to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.


Is there really a wrong or right direction?

There’s a ton of pressure in making right decisions that we most likely end up not making a choice and let the universe decides for us. And when fate put us into a miserable situation, more often than not we end up blaming everyone but ourselves.

Once in a while, life would throw us off. We mull over whether we’re on the right track or not. Sometimes we couldn’t help but look at other people’s lives and compare it with our own. There’s a tiny pang in my chest every time I see someone living their life so passionately. How can I not? I mean, they look like they have their life all figured out. But I realised it’s easier to envy other people than to admit to ourselves that we simply lack the motivation to work on the life we really dreamed of.

I usually deliberate on the idea that if only I’m intelligent or talented or had some obvious skill like other people do, my life would be sooo much easier, that I would automatically see a clear map of my future. But no, that’s not true at all. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people who are bright and gifted and yet they’re still struggling over their future. I realised everyone doesn’t know where they’re headed. Everyone is just as clueless as I am. And it’s okay. It’s okay not to know. It’s okay to make erroneous decisions, to take wrong turns, and to do stupid mistakes. If we have tunnel vision with our lives, we would missed a great deal of opportunities. If we don’t risk doing what our gut is telling us, we’re going to be stuck with the ‘what if’s’. What’s worst than committing a mistake? Not doing anything, not making any choice.

So there’s no point in worrying, there is no right or wrong direction, we simply can’t control everything. Sometimes we need to have a little faith with our decisions.

D.

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Our life

Life

Don’t we all just want to live life as best as we could? Don’t we all just want to experience things that make us feel more alive? I don’t know about you, but I do.

Although, sometimes I feel like I’m being trapped into a world with no adventures. I feel like I’m being trapped in a life full of people’s high expectations of me that somehow seems so far out of reach. Don’t you ever get the feeling that sometimes no matter how hard you prove to people that you know what’s right from wrong, they just won’t let you make your own decisions? I thought that’s HOW we were supposed to live life; by making our own decisions at the right age, experiencing our own mistakes, and learning from those mistakes. I KNOW that’s how we are supposed to live our life. But have you ever felt like some people are hindering you from experiencing these things on your own? That instead of GUIDING you, they end up making the choices for you?

E.

Disappearing

Everything seems to be moving in a fast pace. The world spins endlessly and each tick tock’s alarming me to move forward. To get to somewhere. What if I’m not ready yet? It’s a poor excuse but I’m stuck feeling nostalgic to how things were and what’s in store in the future. Everyone seems to be on a rush, chasing their dreams and grabbing every opportunity they can get. Lay it on the line, I’m not sure I want to be part of it, yet. I am trying my best to focus on who I am and what’s in my life right now at the moment. I feel the necessity to absorbed  everything first before rapidly jumping off to the next chapter of uncertainty. There’s too much noise and distractions around that I can barely see that as time flies, part of us either die or grow into something else. The cliché fact that, ‘we’re not the same person as we were yesterday’, is awfully overwhelming. The notion that we are constantly evolving is an itch my brain couldn’t fully wrapped. However, I’m not entirely scared about change, I’m only afraid that ‘I‘ would fully disappear. Does it make any sense? I don’t know, either. 

D.

Where is my reward?

There are days when you can no longer take life’s unfair treatment, when you can no longer ‘suck it up’, when you can no longer endure watching others get their rewards and you get nothing despite your enormous  efforts and hard work.

‘Why is life unfair?’, you asked yourself.

Slowly yet unknowingly, the demons start to creep in inside your head lustfully whispering for you to give up and drown you with self pity.

The moment you choose to listen, instead of blocking it away, is the very moment you lose. It will cripple you, clouding your thoughts from seeing things in a better angle; and worst, makes you hateful towards others success.

The things is, life is unfair to everyone. Yes, not just to you. It’s a harsh, cold truth that needs to be recognized. You can compare your life to hundreds of people, especially whom you see as successful or rich or happy, and yet you would never know what’s lacking or making them insecure in their own mad world. Don’t let the demon win. It’s okay to feel beaten sometimes, let yourself bleed then let yourself heal.

You don’t need anyone’s recognition for your victories, no matter how infinitesimal or colossal, it always count. Acknowledge your own strength and dance your way through hell.

Maybe life is fair because it is unfair to everyone.

D.

 

 

Submerged

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How beautiful it is 

to be lost in one’s own thoughts,

to fully explore one’s own secrets

Submerging deeper with every passing second–

to be oblivious of the  world around you

to be in control with no one to judge you

to be in another world

to be in your own universe.

E.

Happy Place

Things happen in our lives for certain reasons; and it’s silly how we try to make sense out of it when we know  it’s patently abstruse. It’s true that nobody knows the real purpose why things happened the way it did but maybe, just maybe, it’s because it’s still part of the story; one which we need to continue figuring out.

Meanwhile, there’s that thing; a person or maybe a place, that doesn’t exactly makes your situation  better but somehow makes whatever you’re going through bearable. Makes you feel safe and not alone. Something like a home. A happy place. Something you could run to when things go wrong or when it’s simply right. It’s always there no matter how things turned out and you know everything will be okay.

Tell me, when you thought of your happy place, was it a where or a who?

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D.

Pieces

At the start of 2015, I purchased a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle for myself. I didn’t know why, and I still don’t know why I put myself through that exhausting mind twisting experience. What is more, is that before I started putting the pieces together, I was scared and anxious because I didn’t know how to start. But mostly, I found the idea of not being able to finish what I’ve begun terrifying. I guess that’s how the start of every year similarly feels like.

The first week, I fit fifty pieces together, but subsequently stopped because many of the pieces confused and agitated me to my last grip of patience. I constantly felt like there was something missing. The fact that I could never find the pieces that were meant to be in a certain place didn’t help as well. Also, I’m the kind of person that procrastinates a lot, so  to no one’s surprise, yes, it took me a month to spark up the interest that excited me the first time I grabbed the box from the shelf at Walmart.

I never stopped once after that long gap of laziness. I was finally determined to finish it and am glad that I did; because along the way, I learned a thing or two about life.

I learned that what you’re looking for is sometimes just right in front of you; every so often you just need to see things from different angles, because maybe you’re too close or too far away. I learned that it takes several tries to get to the right one, or that sometimes once is enough. I learned that you’ll never know if something’s meant to be until you try and fit it in place. And I learned that some things that seem like the perfect fit, aren’t where they’re supposed to be at all.

Similarly, I’ve always known that life is a puzzle of some sort. Every day you wake up and live, you obtain a piece to lay at the right place. So challenge yourself this upcoming new year. Do something new and be your own “goals”. Most importantly, live life one day at a time and keep gaining the pieces that will eventually complete your own puzzle; because even though every end isn’t always perfect, at least you know you strived to fit all the pieces together perfectly.

 

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E.